I could read this list over and over again all day.
aedison / Actually, it’s pronounced “pedant.”
erikprice / You people aren’t going to believe what the Indians used to call corn.jasonpermenter / I know Thanksgiving’s a few days away, but I just don’t know if I can wait to hand out smallpox blankets to the neighborhood kids!
JephKelley / At a wine tasting. Haha more like wine “gulping” the way I’m doing it. No YOU’RE pathetic shutup do they have beer here play VAN HALEN WHOO
Pat_Francis / Attention all Subway employees! Stop trying to make more than one sandwich at a time… You can’t do it and never could!!!
badbanana / Too groggy from medicine to stay awake. I’ll just clean my rifles and go to bed.
Just_Alison / You better check yo’self before you Robert Zemeck-yo’self.
Mike_FTW / The best thing about the 22 Fillmore is that you’re never the most ANYTHING on the bus.
Trick_or_tweet / I have a plausible guess where my pen is, given that I just found a tampon behind my ear.
party_boys / Hey, quick question, what’s the most expensive lotion?
trelvix / Yep. That’s Lake Erie alright. How about you just fly the plane, Rainman?
FakeAPStylebook / Slander is harder to prove, so avoid libel charges by just yellin’ that shit out the window.
CallMeBez / Why is our baby SO BAD at Jenga?
AndrewWK / Thanks, everybody! When you use the restroom today, pee on your hand! It’s a wild feeling! Then wash and PARTY!
ladawn / Just once I’d like to see a realistic tampon commercial, with the actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers in her mouth.
alanapost / who ate all the pussy?!
textism / BEE IN THE CAR BEE IN THE CA
leisuretown / I SHOULD MAIL YOU A PLAIN ENVELOPE STUFFED WITH POSITIVE ATTITUDETHRAX
Zaius13 / HEY! What are you DOING in there? GROSS!! That is my CRYING stall! The tissue in there is for TEARS ONLY!
spenceke / Sometimes I wish I could stick my pinkie fingers right up your nose holes.
weselec / Bring me your finest panties.
alsoyourmom / Don’t go, Jason Waterfalls!
SeoulBrother / Show me on my penis where the bad man touched you.
redrabbit / I just want to be someone’s black Kate Moss tonight.
ScottAukerman / Slow and steady wins the race war
lisarahmat / Where is your god now, roast beef sandwich?
toldorknown / Two words: No, wait—five if you count them all oh god now it’s fifteen.
Moltz / Camping. Why did it have to be camping?
BrilliantOrange / My air keyboard shredding was so nasty, your sweaty mom just slapped my face.
melissasantos / if i had a nickel for every time a guy showed me his junk at a stop light, i’d have enough to buy a soda. like in 1950.
hisnamesLen / It’s not the silence; it’s the lucidity.
thedayhascome / When your wife catches you not paying attention, overturn as much furniture as possible while running towards the nearest exit.
theduty / Dear God, please don’t make me stop not believing in you. also, I really like your hair that way…short on the sides and…anyway. amen.
bcompton / I like my ladies like I like my coffee: every so often, on a nice Sunday morning, just to reward myself for being the best me I can be.
blurb / Whoever invented the king size bed needs to get about 100 of whatever.
sween / If you could travel back in time to when Hitler was a baby, you’d probably KISS HIS WIDDLE BELLY.
lonelysandwich / Dropping the kids off in the toilet.
twoname / Listen here you beautiful bitch, I’m bout to fuck you up with some truth.
tastytrixie / Clarification: I love ugly people, it’s just that I can’t think of a nice way to ask my sister if her friend has a disease of the face.
DieLaughing / I’m just sitting in my van, watching old people through the binoculars, wondering what makes them so creepy.
evany / Someone around here smells like a seventh grade dance.
luckyshirt / Waiting for a breakfast burrito from a place that also serves sushi and sandwiches. So this is probably goodbye.
gknauss / Is there a piece less powerful than the pawn that I can feel like?
Juniorwad / Her mouth said no, but her eyes said NOOOOOOOO!!!
poeks / ♫ I wanna fuck you in GrrAnimals ♫
Jessabelle2o7 / “…holding each other’s hands, they walked happily ever after into the blogosphere.” My manuscript was rejected. Too crappy, they said.
texburgher / I’m going to bed now, Twitter. Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow. (Like it would’ve killed my parents to hang a few of my drawings on the fridge.)
rolandfox / Just saw Memento, so now I’m hiding notes everywhere in case Future Me has amnesia. The wife did one that said “ur gay & live in Canada.”
DanteBichette / well you and that donkey are just full of surprises….and drugs.
secretsquirrel / I bet Pacman having sex with Ms Pacman would totally be all WOCCA WOCCA WOCCA WOCCA FRUIT NOISE.
cluckcluckers / literally trembling as i race home to post pictures of what i found at walgreens.
scottsimpson / No! I wasn’t staring at your ass. I was staring WITH your ass.
CcSteff / The opposite of horny is mexican food. Don’t… don’t touch me.
nostrich / I hate when people in the street shout “leave those kids alone!” Do I look like a fucking Pink Floyd fan? I’m trying to get laid here, dude.
THE_REAL_SHAQ / I hate leprekons lol
awryone / Takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong. Takes an even bigger man to know he’s right and then suck it up anyway because his wife is nuts.
LILWAYNESWORLD / HOW DO THEY FIND HIDDEN VALLEY RANCH DRESSING
frageelay / Ten years ago Dan and I had sex. This morning, the product of that union just did the ‘pump-action shotgun’ sound followed by a fart sound.
mikemorrow / I don’t care what you people say, I’m going through this thing page by page and the Internet is bullshit.
ghostwhispers / If you like screenshots of Mac application menu errata you are going to fucking love what I’m about to post to Flickr.
gruber / Just “landed a plane in the Hudson.”
